Sunday, May 29
argh i am so good at freaking out. i have moved from freaking out abt tmr to freaking out because huiying just msged to say marian got detained for a swiss army knife. when i got the msg i replied in CAPS for goodness' sake, panicking abt where and when and what's going to happen.. and i'm not even there. can you imagine if i were? i am not the person you want to have around during an emergency.
gah hope everything turns out all right. don't know what 'detained' entails. but i hope it doesn't mess up their plans.. they really looked forward to it. sigh.
it must've been love.
9:03 pm
xoxo
freaaaaking out. i always freak out over the unknown. hell, i love guides camps. read:
guides. i.e. st marg's, first coy south. because i know what to expect, i know who's going, and i have my friends, hip hip hooray! but for cap.. i hardly know anyone well enough.. it'd be so awkward and what the hell was i thinking, applying for the awkward week of the lifetime? i have until
my birthday to worry about ya camp. where, thank the great heavens above, i have sam and mich.
but i am going to look on the bright side of life. even though i can't seem to play el tango de roxanne [i forced friends to send about 4 versions and still my windows media player hates me, or maybe it's just allied itself with chris] i
did buy the 30th anniversary collection of air supply songs.
yay!!! i love air supply. so hot. -sighs- and it doesn't make me depressed. or suicidal. just. a leeetle bit lovesick? every time i hear all out of love.. i remember that story i was reading while it played over and over and over again.. and all the swirling emotions come flooding back.. pangs of unrequited love.. the queer fluttering feeling of first love.. and the overall whirlwind of the whole story. i love it.
i love it. i. love. it. i'm listening to it now. i don't know what's wrong with me, but songs and words have this effect on me.. i am
not going to cry over a song.
i'll be seeing ya soon. friday night. if i don't conk out and sleep til four six day. but no matter what, i swear i will be there, as long as health and life allow.
i miss you so much i am fading away i need to see you just once more before i go
it must've been love.
8:05 pm
xoxo
Friday, May 27
really tired. realised i haven't blogged for a long while. oh well. if you want to know how things have been, check the other blog. if you even get what i mean. heh.
the holidays are here. i dread cap. i'm such an idiot. i wanted it and now i am afraid. what if they're all bitchy or maybe too fantastically cool to bother with me? one whole week of that and i'd shrivel up and die.
after that -ya camp. ahhh. torture camp? i'm not used to torture camps anymore.
and after
that - mug mug mug for blocks. i feel myself not-so-secretly falling apart.
mirror mirror where's the crystal palace? i like tori amos. her songs make me want to fall apart very dramatically. and oh yes, el tango de roxanne. the tango of roxanne. ;) haha. wonders of learning spanish for eep. sighhh the sheer raw beauty of the harmony, the possessivene and cruel need of love.
damnit what's love? twisted love isn't love.. is it? how can love ever be wrong? if it's wrong, it's not love. i still believe in soulmates. after all the bullshit of the past months, i still believe in soulmates.. but where is mine?
oh, newsflash - i am officially,
officially,
officially over her. yes siree. because she tied her hair up! argh!! why, great heavens above, why??
why?? i abhor fate's decidely strange decisions. she was so hot with funky hair. sighhh. now she's lukewarm. not even cool. and i shall never look at her again. even though she's still got the same cheekbones and legs etc etc but it's just not the same without that eye-catching, head-turning hair. sigh. well i had a fantastic 3 months staring at the back/side of her head during lectures. i hate her. :( she ruined my day. seriously, 2 cm of pony tail? why bother.
i think i shall change target. hmm. i think annie knows what i'm talking about. hahahah shit i hope no one else does. sigh don't tell me.. if it's true.. i'll just
die. i'm always unlucky in the affairs of the heart. never get what i want, and sometimes i get what i don't want. but being me, i often end up wanting what i've thrown away. and then i change my mind. and change it again. and again. and again. so i'm both fickle and dead-loyal to my crushes? this doesn't make sense. i'm shutting up.
it must've been love.
8:58 pm
xoxo
Sunday, May 22
sometimes my parents are so
closeminded it frustrates me to talk to them. my mother warned my father not to say anything controversial because i'm 'an impressionable girl'. okay, so you're gonna hide the world from me forever? too late, that time is past - my eyes are opening up now. i watch some self-professed christians act like non-believers. it's like being a teacher's daughter i guess. people look at you. look at the length of your skirt, your blouse, your hair, see if you've done your homework, if you study for tests, if you suck up to teachers. well. my mum says you shouldn't be looking at anyone anyway. which i find strange - if you don't look at others, where the hell do you look? you're supposed to learn from others.. right? but i never get to argue my point because she just glares at me and tells my dad to stop allowing such controversial talk. i should get away from here. it kinda stifles my creativity. not to mention it's kinda oppresive. why can't i question, why can't i say what i think? i'm not trying to be blasphemous on purpose. i want to know the answers, that's all.
i don't want to be just another person living and breathing. mere existence is a crime. but i can't think of what i want to do with my life. i can hear my sister talking downstairs. she sounds frustrated. oh now she's come up. telling me not to be so flippant and upset our conservative parents. all right all right i won't be a nun. sigh. my parents are boring. why can't they laugh and tell jokes and be wonderfully sarcastic and witty? sigh. boring. staid. gah.
it must've been love.
6:33 pm
xoxo
Saturday, May 21
hmm 3 things to talk about today:
1. elddfs drama - cash on delivery. hilariously side-splitting. but forgettable. i guess it didn't strike me deep, strike me hard enough. i have no chord to strike in that regard anyway. but one thing that did - my sister pointed out that i'm in hwachong but i don't know my way around and i have no friends. that's exaggerating because i can get from my class bench to the staffroom and vice versa. and also i have a few friends from the first three months plus the other two ex st. marg's girls. but she's right. i had to ask directions to get to the drama centre and while she was rushing about saying hi to her friends, i was standing around ignoring everyone. and she's from rj. quite simply, i have no cca, i hate hwachong, and i don't care about getting to know people outside of arts or even my class. but she's right. i'm pathetic.
2. my sister wants to be a lawyer. she wants to go to ucl and read law. strangely enough, after telling my parents that, she asked if i would be mad. well. i'm not mad. i never wanted law. it's just something that everyone else wanted for me. i don't want anything, actually. it's just that being in arts is hard - you've only got about 10% of the options the science people have. and she, a triple science student, wants to read law. i don't understand. but i guess no one did when i switched to arts. from triple science. but really, it's on a different level. anyhow. it doesn't matter. she'll go to england, be a fantastic lawyer, and yours truly will be begging on the streets. okay i'll be honest. all that matters to me are my friends, my music and my poetry. yeah. there now criticise me all you like.
3. i have a
lot of work to do. don't feel like elaborating. yeah.
it must've been love.
10:31 pm
xoxo
Friday, May 20
You are a perfect princess! You are every queens
dream, amazingly beautiful, a joy for the
spotlight and your dream is to get married and
have a proud royal family. If any paparazzi
come after you, one wink and an innocent smile
is all it takes to dumbfound them. You have an
immense sense of duty and would never go
against the wishes of your family. You spend
your time flicking through magazines looking
for the latest clothes and jewellery. This
doesnt mean youre an airhead though! Behind
your striking appearance lies an amazing mind.
You have the ability to conjure up the wittiest
sayings and are immensely intelligent. Such a
combination of intelligence, creativity, power
and beauty is often intimidating to those
around you.
Which proud princess are you? (Dazzling pics and detailed results!)brought to you by quizilla
it must've been love.
7:16 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, May 17
yay history test got postponed!! pheww. i'm so relieved i could just go to sleep now =D
things have been rubbishy, but what would one expect? just gonna breathe and take things one step at a time.
i think i'll play the piano. it's been some time since i've felt the urge to. :) too bad for the neighbours.
close your eyes.. give me your hand, darling.. do you feel my heart beating.. do you understand? do you feel the same.. or am i only dreaming.. is this burning an eternal flame? --> eternal flame, bangles. been a long time since i thought of it =D
zoot zoot zoot
it must've been love.
8:59 pm
xoxo
Sunday, May 15
migraine attacks again - what's new? always comes with nausea now though. and i never feel like moving at all. being a blob is less tiring. you just sit there. no need to move, except to breathe now and then. so much more comfortable. no blood rushing about or anything.
it's not like last year was pain-free. but i kinda liked going to school. seeing all of you, everything. talking and laughing and sharing things. i don't see the point in going to school now. it's meaningless. i lose nothing by staying home. it's not like i listen in lectures or even tutorials. half the time i'm popping pain killers and praying to go home. i just want to stay home. i don't want to show my face outside the house. i just want to sit down. not move. just. breathe. let my fingers do the work. the rest of me doesn't have to move.
if i'm like this now i wonder how things will be a few months from now. i'm not sure i can last the entire day. just feel so drained and my whole head is throbbing and pulsing. kinda used to the migraine being near the ear area but just now it went to my
eye for heaven's sake. and then there's the perpetual nausea. i've tried to make myself puke but i just can't. what if i throw up in school? i'd just die.
there's no reason to live anymore. no reason to go to school. there's nothing to keep me here. there's no comfort in life. death's the easy way out and i can't wait to go, leave this pain-wrecked body behind, with all its scars. let the grim reaper come.
it must've been love.
10:34 pm
xoxo
Friday, May 13
it has not been a good week, and today was the perfect day to round up the whole stupid week.
math test was *swearing censored* bad. no further comments needed.
cap briefing was not good.
1. i felt very out of place. everyone had their own special buddy and i was a l o n e
2. someone asked if i was chinese
3. a girl i know tried to make a joke out of me looking like the maid who took care of her when she was young. it's not her fault, but after the 4578753349th time, it gets tiring
4. someone else insisted i'm from rgs and refused to believe my polka-dotted-163-years heritage
5. humance people are elitist and tend to look down their noses at you if you're merely from arts
6. the aforementioned people tend to be bitchy too
i don't know why i even bothered signing up for it. so this is why mari decided not to join elddfs. humance dominated. read through the poems in my portfolio again last night because i forgot what i wrote previously.*shudders* omg what if they make me take out my portfolio during the seminar? i will just
die. honestly. of embarrassment. shit it.
hist paper. lit paper. hist test on economics. how vague. no idea what that means. pw.
this is the song that's in my head right now:
strange and beautifuli've been watching your world from afari've been trying to be where you areand i've been secretly falling aparti'll seeto me, you're strange and you're beautifulyou'd be so perfect with me but you just can't seeyou turn every head but you don't see mei'll put a spell on youyou'll fall asleep and i'll put a spell on youand when i wake youi'll be the first thing you seeand you'll realise that you love mesometimes the last thing you want comes in firstsometimes the first thing you want never comesand i know, the waiting is all you can dosometimesi'll put a spell on youyou'll fall asleep i'll put a spell on youand when i wake youi'll be the first thing you seeand you'll realise you love mejust like those fairytales where she goes under a spell and she falls in love with the first man she sees...
weavers of fairytales are liars.
it must've been love.
8:05 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, May 10
today was odd. yes, odd. firstly, pe was horrid. no wait that's normal. okay so fastforward to lit. was studying hist during lit so i'm really quite clueless about all the technical terms now.. somehow ms yeo says a lot of interesting things.. but when i want to whisper and clarify stuff, i feel a bit guilty cos she's glaring at me. so yeah back to history woohoo. studied history again during the break..
she was standing right by us outside the library.. and for some reason i can never keep my mouth shut around her. stapler, anyone? sat a few tables opposite her in the library. tried to take a nap/ study history but what can i say about distractions? she glanced over while talking to her friend.. i caught her eye a few times. arghh arghh arghh. i
have to get a grip on myself. 5 months down the road and i'm still infatuated with someone who doesn't even have the hair i was crazy over in the first place. :(
oh by the by, i think yinghong looks very pretty with her new hair, but i am
not interested in her. i don't go for friends okay.. and she's not my type! haha. no offence intended. you know my type yeah.. at least physically since no one really knows a person's character within a minute of walking past each other.. tall, slender, great cheekbones, funky hair.. yeah. =D
didn't see the pretty boy in school today. how saddening. seriously, he's so pretty i thought he was a girl until i saw his long pants! arghh boys are not allowed to be prettier than girls! jealous of his eyelashes. :( hahahhaha kidding.
arghhh. i love this song. hard to say i'm sorry. some saf group came today. this guy whom everyone [even guys] say is hot sang the lead for the first part of the song. keeled over, died and went to heaven okay.. dreamy voice. i think my heart kinda shattered too, in that way that music always does to me. but then the falsetto guy started singing and i came crashing back to earth. haha. ironies of life.
it must've been love.
9:04 pm
xoxo
Monday, May 9
heh. this day started horribly, and is ending horribly. except for about 10 minutes of euphoria around 5 when the english department guy called to tell me i got into cap. which is pretty exciting because my poetry is crap. -shrugs- right now all i feel is a bit of nervousness because i don't know anyone except this a13 girl from ya. but she'll have her classmate with her, whereas i won't. and then the two science people will go together and i really will have no one. am i being overly paranoid as usual? but i can't seem to stop myself from imagining the worst scenarios. i bet i'll be all lonely and pathetic and everyone will hate me and wonder how i got into the programme. :( and i bet i don't look poetic enough. :(
history test tmr. don't feel like studying. haven't started preparing for math, and i know nuts about inequalities and sequences and series. hip hip hooray.
found a recording on my phone. of us, at chris's house in jan before she left. when i held the phone to my ear, i almost started crying. i haven't heard our voices all together in so long. jean. jan. gen. chris. bev. all together. merging as one. will it ever happen again? i play it over and over again and wish i had thought to record our crazy conversations earlier.
it must've been love.
10:01 pm
xoxo
Saturday, May 7
i ought to tell the truth about how i feel. but it's hard. i don't need any more judgement. and i know you will. oh don't deny it. we're all human, we've all got this holier-than-thou mentality. i hate it when people add annoying little 'zz's when they're chatting to me on msn. how would that be different from you condemning what i really need to say?
you told me you love me. i don't really want to let you love the real me, because i'm so messed up and the bits that i've tried to put back together don't really fit. i guess i'd rather hide some things from you, so you'll continue loving what you see of me. maybe it's a facade. maybe i'm just scared.
i'm very big on being honest. and not being afraid to say what you think, act on what you feel.
so maybe now i'll just be honest with everyone. well, everyone who's gonna read this anyway. i told jean on thursday night. i know she's shocked. which i find surprising, because i've been hinting at it for months. ever since last year, really. hate me if you like. condemn me, spit on my face. and love me if you dare.
the truth is, i'm disillusioned with the church.
i don't like what i see, the vibes i get. during the general meeting, the congregation didn't seem very bothered with what the church was doing in terms of the community, education, etc. but when it came to money, they dwelled on that topic for so long i felt sick and left. why are people more concerned with money than with the good works the church is or ought to be doing? i guess i embarrassed my father when i got up and walked out. and honestly, i don't care. so what if he's an elder? if he condones this mentality, that's not my business. i am my own person. i think the church is too secular.
furthermore.. i've become disillusioned with christians and christianity. why say you're a christian if you don't act like one? one of my greatest fears is that i claimed to be a christian without walking my talk. i cringe. i think about some of my past and present classmates. if they hadn't told me they were christians, i would never have guessed from their behaviour. i always thought the Spirit of God would shine from within. but why is it that they act like atheists? breaking rules, bitching, and 'too cool to care'. call yourself a child of God?
i hope i'm not judging them. but it just makes me think, if this is what it's like to be a christian.. i might as well not be one, since there doesn't seem to be any difference in my life. i hope people didn't look at me in the same way and think, if she's a christian, why does she get sad and depressed so often, and end up cutting herself? i was a christian in secondary school. i believed in God. i might have gotten depressed and ended up feeling like there was no way out.. but i always turned to my favourite song.. God will make a way. i believed in what that song promised. i saw true christians in my friends. they helped me see the light when all i saw were clouds and darkness. even though i didn't tell them about a lot of things til now.
but these past few months.. i've become more and more disillusioned with the faith. i watch myself trudging to school every morning, dreading the day. i watch myself blatantly disobeying what God says about men and women. and i stop caring. i don't know why. no, i do. because here, no one cares. at least, if they bother about what you are doing, it is only to condemn you and judge you, it is not because they care for you as a person, a soul.
i want to stop being involved in church, but if i tell my parents they will panic and ground me from everything til i'm fifty.
i tried to tell my sister last year but i think she panicked too.
i think i'm going to stop calling myself a christian because i don't think i'm one anymore. i don't act like it. i question life and what it holds. i can't be bothered with a lot of my neighbours. i am scornful of many things. my heart is cold and hardened now. and i've stopped asking God to bless people, cos i don't see any blessings happening. maybe i am being unfair and He will strike me down. i know He exists, i know all everything theoratically. but in my heart i'm not sure if i want to have anything to do with the people who call themselves His children but are like any other.
i don't feel God anymore.
and yes, this is what i have become. no more than anyone else, no less. condemn me to hell if you like. i need to figure my life out. i don't want to lie. so. until i get my faith back, until i am convinced that christianity is real in this world and not just a pretty facade, i am not going to call myself a christian.
but my parents are going to give me hell when they find out. maybe i should keep it from them. keep up the facade in front of adults, act like everything's all right, just to avoid all the trouble and irritating business of having to talk to them when i have better things to do. oh gosh. more pretending. is there ever a way out? i really dread seeing their faces when they find out. i bet they'd whip me if they still could. maybe send me for counselling. very probably ground me. i would do that if it were my kid.
i know some people are shocked, and some people saw it coming all along. what can i say? if you don't like this, don't like me, please go away and mind your own business.
and now i have to finish reading up for my sea essay. then write it. repeat process for int hist essay. do chinese. math. lit. study for hist. math. they say life is cyclical. i say life is a joke. here my happy-happy week ends. i had 7 days of being cheery.
it must've been love.
5:26 pm
xoxo
Thursday, May 5
realised i've been ignoring this blog. ah well. school is as boring as ever. stifling heat. i am amazed that no one faints. i am convinced that short people suffer the most because all the tall people breathe in the air. i think tall people should only breathe now and then so that oxygen can circulate to the rest of the population. if this is unscientific and height-ist, i don't care. mwahaha.
my gp teacher failed my sexist essay. as expected. haha. i don't really care. cos i got to guy-bash for three pages. but i guess i need to settle down for gp and start writing proper stuff. in case she feeds back to my mum and i die.
i don't like the math teacher. he made such a big fuss out of me not wanting to go to the board with my answer today. he probably thinks i was showing attitude but i really wanted to save energy. and i didn't know no one but huiying and i did the quesion. i'd better re-do the functions assignment he was nagging about.
mrs lee's memorial service tomorrow. my dearest sworn sister very cordially requested the honour of picking me up from school to go for it together. hahaha how sweet is that?? haha. i can't skip sch because i plan to go for it. how awful is that? i need to skip school one day to catch up with historyyyyy. 1. paper 2 term essay. 2. paper 3 term essay. 3. study for direct/indirect rule. and there's a major math lecture test on 5 or 6 chaps. arghhhh.
everyday when i see them lower the flag for wee kim wee, i remember the way they lowered the school flag for mrs lee, and a part of me cries all over again. cries for the school, because they're so screwed up now. cries for the past, for what we used to know, and what used to be. and cries for the graduated girls, because we've come so far and yet gone so far away from the school.
it must've been love.
8:40 pm
xoxo
Sunday, May 1
yay i went shopping today!!!!! =D =D =Dokay open sunday was kinda horrible, the kids couldn't stop talking and i played a few wrong notes. arghhhh. i felt like sinking through the ground. and i tend to wince whenever i play a wrong note, so i guess even the tiniest little kiddies figured out why it sounded funny. :( then i met huiying to eat at some restaurant and commented on gays / truth or dare playing etc. if you want a crash course on what alternative lifestyles really mean, have a lunch date with the aforementioned. mari was supposed to join us, but she couldn't make it. :( ah well, another day!the food was pretty good, i liked the brownie. heeeee. think rich and sweet and ahhh so sinful. pure bliss, but only if you don't own any mirros and wear baggy clothes from dawn to dawn. shoes broke. heh. so we walked to wisma to buy shoes. wanted a pair in silver, but they didn't have any sizes smaller than 6 and the lady told me 6 was too big for me. :( settled for black wedges instead. they're quite nice. =D
trotted over to paragon to get pedicures. took pics with this oh-so-cute kangaroo mascot on the way. heeeee. we must've looked horribly retarded, standing among little toddlers and babies waiting to pose with the mascot. haha. hollywood secrets was crowded with gays [ seriously, not trying to offend metros. hweeing agreed they were gay anyway, and she ought to know] so we went to some other salon. not bad! a little room with comfy seats you could just lean back into, all cushiony and soft.. and pedicures are veryy relaxing. hee. soaking your feet in hot water and getting them scrubbed and all. i'd make a good tai tai =D
i was reading the new poetry book i bought [uncut, by singaporean girl poets, most of whom happen to be her friends. one girl is particularly good, the other is particularly cute, and they happen to be together. ahhhh. lesbian poets are so romantic.] and she was reading her book involving cyril wong. honestly, hweeing, if i wrote a book about cyril wong with all sorts of stuff and nonsense, like he fathered 12 children and drowned 10 of them, would you buy it? haha. yay i love pedicures!
then i bought a purple dress. really like it somehow. i forced her to try it on just for kicks. ahhahaha. shucks we should have taken pics. called a cab and went round and round in circles trying to find a classmate's house. honestly i think we spent over $3 just going around in circles. and no one was picking up their phones.. she was a bit scared that they were pissed at us. found the place in the end. hehh. now she's at the party and i'm home. yay! =D
examining my pedicured toes. haha. i don't like crowds and the obligation of being civil to someone i don't know. guess i'll finish uncut now. hee. didn't get around to buying anyone's presents. -shrugs- oh well. another day. yay!! =D i loveeee retail therapy.
this makes the second night in a row that i'm actually happy! normally nights are my lowest times of the day. but gosh i really am happy. i'm actually smiling. i've got new hair and dress and shoes, my toes have been done and feet scrubbed, i love being a tai tai in training. =D
it must've been love.
8:10 pm
xoxo
